ClubCJ - The CJ Lancer Club

there has been some interest in the coveted GERBIL AWARD FOR HUMOUR, this is an exclusive award with only 8 recipients in the history of clubCJ.

what we need is 1 joke only from interested members and after 2 weeks, all will be submitted to the committee for a short list of 5.

the 5 will then be put to poll for members votes.

so post away, u have 1 chance so make it a good one

NOT TOO MUCH SMUT PLEASE, NO RACISM. THE JOKES ARE BROADCAST AND ANY JOKES FOUND TO BE OFFENSIVE WILL BE DELETED

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam in the CBD of Canberra.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped several politicians including the Prime Minister and they're asking for a $800,000 ransom. Otherwise, they are going to pour petrol on them and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone donating, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly 3 litres."

NEW ARMY RECRUIT ... LETTER to MUM and DAD


Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia.


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the station – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.
No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean – nothin’!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes.
You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!
All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!!
You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.






Your loving daughter,
Susan




-

Ah sam that's a cracker bloody love it

i preferred the bin laden one but might be a little politically incorrect atm

@ Ken .... Yep .... she's a tough girl that Susan.

@ Steve .... I couldn't use the Suicide Bombers joke again because I won first prize with that last time this comp was run back in Jan 2011.

Link: SUICIDE BOMBERS - In the UK "GO ON STRIKE"

yep, got ya

u can put it up just for a giggle though we wont count it in the comp.

@ Steve .... I included a link to the SUICIDE BOMBERS joke in my previous post .... done.

good way to do it

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. How sad that he ran out of thyme.

Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset; cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing. It's such a shame good people have to die fusilli reasons.

It was a farfalle from grace.

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was on heat...
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss'er.'
'Sicondly, you must nivver nivver tull anyone about thus.'
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500’

John one day was watching relaxed a footy game on TV, when suddenly he wake up with a fry-pan in his head from his wife.
John: - What's wrong with you woman?
Wife: - Found a note in your pocket with a name on it, Alicia
John: - Relax honey that's a horse name from races
Following day, again, his wife again smack him in the head with the fry-pan
John: What's wrong now???
Wife: Your horse just called!

Hey Steve aka "EL Presidente"

I think this competition has run it's time line !

Announced on 18th Dec 2015.
Determined to run 2wks.
Closing Date = Today 1st Jan 2016.

Time to submit a short list of 5 jokes to the Comm and then to the members for a vote.

May the "Best Joke" win

members, as there`s only five contestants we`ll put it straight to poll for one week.

please vote for your favorite 2015 joke